The Birthday that never was….

Well it came. The day I thought would hurt more than imaginable. The day I kept hoping would simply not come. Just beginning to write this has brought out hurt and pain. The tears have already begun. Talking about my baby that will never be born is harder than words can ever express. Talking about the pain and the hurt is like reopening a bad wound. Back in March my wife had a miscarriage our babies due date was yesterday. This week is suppose to be filled with joy and happiness. I am suppose to be holding a new life not mourning one that never was. I should be wrecked with tears of happiness and having thoughts of what God has for my child not asking God why He took our baby.

I never want to be someone who is so shut down that he cannot speak of past hurts. I want God to use me and I want God to take even the bad parts of my life and make it for His glory and for the betterment of His kingdom, but I also never want to be perceived as a person that wants attention for the things that have gone wrong in my life. I have been more that blessed by God!! I have been more than taken care of time and time again. God has shown himself so real to me and my family. He has given me chances that I simply did not deserve. He has been my portion and made my cup to overflow. Yesterday in worship I stepped in for a minute and was listening to You Never Let Go. We have so many talented people at our church and there was a lady named Natalie singing. She is so good and has such an amazing heart. As the words were on the screen and I was singing I just began to reflect on how God has never let me go. I was absolutely overwhelmed by everything that God has done in my life. I was ever so gently reminded of what a good God that I have. How powerful and big He is. How He could take a high school drop out and bring me to where I am now. How He could bring me through everything I have gone through and everything I have put others through and not only use me, but use all of that other mess for His Glory. It was a great time of worship for me as I reflected on my own life and the life of my family.

Then that night we went to small group. We loved it and had a fantastic time. All the people in our small group are fantastic and we had some great conversation. One of the couples in our small group has recently had a baby. She is gorgeous and I asked if I could hold her. I just enjoyed spending time with her and loving on her for a while. I noticed that my wife would not look at her or talk about how precious she is with me. All of the sudden I realized what day it was. I FORGOT!!! What kind of person am I? What kind of husband and father am I? How do you forget something like that. My wife had not forgotten. All day she walked around dealing with her emotions without any help from me.

My wife being so wonderful and forgiving was not even mad at me, but as we were driving home and I broke down she just loved on me. She just held me tight and told me she loved me. She was Jesus to me in that moment. She was a quiet reminder of how God loves us and how He is so forgiving. She took an opportunity to show me what unconditional love is. In her pain she could have been mad and hateful she could have told me what a horrible thing I had done and yelled at me, but it seemed as though she was just glad that she was there when it hit me so that she could talk to me and love me through it.

A few month ago a got the opportunity to share with our congregation about when Jen miscarried and how that affected our life. I told them about a song called Glory to God. I spoke of how after we lost the baby I heard that song at church and I made myself worship. I made myself say Glory to God forever. I made myself say “take my life and let it be all for you and for you glory.” It was not easy. It was painful and it hurt. Being a follower of Christ is not meant to be easy. It is not something that we can just do and hope everything turns out ok. There are hardships and there are trials. God wants to use us! A lot of times the amount of pain we experience is a direct reflection on the impact we can or will have. Today I am in another place where saying Glory to God is so tough. How can I say it on a day like this. I have to make a choice. I have to decide that today God is still good. I have to decided that today He is still the great loving Father He is. I have choose to know that He is the great I AM! He is the same every day. That is not easy to say today, but never the less it is still very much so a true statement.

God has this furious Love for us. He is not moody and does not waver. He does not have seasons of change. He has a single relentless stance towards us. He Loves Us. The God that we often manufacture despises sinners, but the Father of Jesus Loves all of us passionately and is completely devoted to us. We have to remember that on the days we experience hardship and we are tried. We have to be willing to say Glory to God with all my life. Glory to God with my pain, Glory to God with my happiness, Glory to God with my hope, Glory to God with my family, Glory to God with my health and my well being. Glory to God with every part of me! God take everything that I have and everything that I want and you use it to bring you Glory. I am not here for some magical roller coaster ride, but to bring you Glory. So if that means that I spend my entire life in pain and suffering then all I ask is that you use every second of it to bring you and your kingdom Glory. Writing that and living that tend to be very different things. Its not a happy feeling that will get us there, but daily choices and daily belief that God is who He says he is.

Today I am dealing with so much pain. Writing this has taken me much longer than I would have liked and it has been accompanied with a lot of tears and prayer. I hope that it speaks something to you. I leave you with this quote.

“Grace Calls out, you are not just a disillusioned old man who may die soon, a middle aged women stuck in a job and desperately wanting to get out, a young person feeling the fire in your belly begin to go cold. You may be insecure, inadequate, mistaken, or potbellied. Death, panic, depression, and disillusionment may be near you. But you are not just that! You are accepted. Never confuse your perception of yourself with the mystery that you are really accepted.”

Paul writes “the Lord said, My Grace is enough for you: my power is at its best in weakness. So I shall be very happy to boast so that the power of Christ may stay over me.