A picture of me

I have not been on here in i don't even remember how long. I started something ,as i usually do, and then after the new affect had worn off I stopped paying attention. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that not many people were coming to read it so i assumed that it wasnt helping anyone. The whole time i seemed to be unaware of the fact that it was helping me. The theraputic affect that comes with simply sharing your feeling is all to often under valued. I have come to the conclusion that I am simply not a very good writter. Which is ok I feel fairly certian it is not required that i be any good of it.

One of my good qualities in life is that i seem to surround myself with amzing people. I marvel a lot at just how blessed i am by the group of friends that i have. In all honestly they should never hang out with me, but never the less they do and they are always beside me even when they should run away.

I look back at my past year and so many things have occurred. I have had some absolutely amazing things take place, but almost always the postive emotions that follow an amazing event are spuelched by events that would make some people think of sucide as a viable option. I have had an amzing year with my wife. We are stronger than ever and I wake up to her every morning and thank God that I found my soul mate at an early age. Our family is as strong as it ever has been and I think for the first time in our marriage and for the first time in my adult life my family is my priority. Thats not to brag because truly i should have grown up a long time ago. So that aspect has been great. My wife has stood beside me when i cried and when i felt so down i did not have the words to express my pain. She has hugged me just to whisper in my ear that she loves me and she made my home a place of happiness. When we are together at home with our 3 children all is right. They are all i need. They are peace and my rest. My strength!

It is my firm belief that with all seasons come a season of trial and hardship. Some times it is larger than others and more seen than others but it is always there. With my family life flourishing and me finally being in a place where i feel that we have some consistant growth the other spectrum of my life is floundering. It almost feels as though it is the Titanic and the question isn't "if" it will go down but "when" will it finally go under. I am in a place where I truly can not tell anymore if Satan is trying to push me to my absolute limit or if God is saying "focus Ryan"! I asked my wife last night if she thought maybe I was suppose to quit and move on with life. I often wonder if the reason I have such a passion for this is becasue in all honesty it is the only thing that i have ever been any good at. I don't think that is the case but I do want to paint a realistic picture of where i am in life.

At the top of this i put a little picture in. It is of no one i know. It is simply a picture of where i desire to be right now. I want to be in the place where that person is. It looks like such freedom and she seems to be at such peace. I long to be free agian. I desire to not talk about it but to really experience it for myself. I have become so consumed with my job and making sure that i hold a high standard of excellence that i have forgotten the God that i do my job for. How did i get here? How did i get to a point where God is secondary and his love is not my prioity? How did the very thing that lead me to my call be the very thing that i forgot? These questions i have no answer for, but at this point i feel that i have to make some changes so that i can make at least some attempt to find out.

My first position that i held inside of a church was a completely different scenario. I was so emotional and so tied into what i was doing that i almost lost my family. I was so tied into what i was doing that it consumed everthing about me. Every thought, word, and all my time. I worked 80 hours a week every week becasue i felt that money did not matter. It was what i was called to do so i had to give everything. That ended and God does what he does and protected me by getting me out of a very bad situation and in turn he saved me from losing my family and quite possibly my mind. So when i started agian at my new job i decided that i must not get so emotionally involved and keep my distance and at some point that turned into being completely unemotional about everything.

This is my life and this is where i am. i wish only to share my experinces and hopefully as i walk you can see as clearly as i will as God begins to bring healing into my life. i have named this blog the lonely walk becasue at times that simply describes my life at times. It is not nessacarily becasue nobody wants to walk with me but generally because i am stubborn and want to walk alone. I pray God breaks me of that!