RyanMillard.com: Parenting

Transition Part 1

4:31 PM

Well, it has been quite a while since I have updated anything on my blog. Hard to believe that a little over 3 months have passed since my last posting. But time off was necessary for me to rest and get my head straight!

I have gone over and over again on what to share and how much to share. After a lot of prayer and processing I have decided just to share a few basic things and let you know where my life is and what you can expect to see on my blog moving forward!

I am no longer the Family Pastor at oneChurch.tv. I’m not going to talk a lot about this right now. The important thing for everyone to know right now is that I love oneChurch.tv. And through everything that my family has been through in the past months they have been more than amazing. I have no hard feelings towards oneChurch.tv! I love them and I miss them dearly! But right now it was imperative that I step away and focus my family!

I have thought a lot about the how much to share and what not to share. And in the coming months I may talk a little more about my situation and what led me here. For now all I want you to know is that I got my priorities way out of line. And I made some choices that I shouldn’t have made! Because of that, I need to step away from paid ministry for a while. My family and I really would appreciate your prayers! As we start a new journey in our lives! And as we continue to search for what God has for us and where He is leading us!

That being said I still love to write! And I still feel like I have things to say about family, parenting, leadership and ministry. My perspective may be a little different now days due to the fact I wont be talking from a paid staff position but I don’t believe that means I no longer have anything to say. I started this blog as a way to share my thoughts. If people read it then great! If they don’t I still got to share. So I will continue to blog a few times a week. Sometimes it might be from the point of a church attendee or a volunteer. Others it may just be a place for me to talk about what I am processing through.

Check back tomorrow as I share some things I have been reminded of or learned for the first time during this transition! I am excited to be back in the blogging world and look forward to writing more soon!

Another year older!

7:53 AM

Fight for the Heart

8:20 AM

If you have kids then you have become aware of painful truth. The older they get the more they pull away from you. Or at least that is the tendency. They want their independence. And of course they think they are ready for their independence! They don’t need us because they are slowly but surely transforming into the person that God made them to be. I love God’s plan and I love watching it unfold in my children. I just wish God will clear things through me more.

A few weeks ago I went to an event in Clarksville called the purity ball. It’s an event where Dads can take their girls and just have a fun night with them. And that is exactly what we did. I had a blast dancing with my girls and just being with them individually each night. I truly believe, as fathers we set the expectation for what our daughters should be looking in a man. So this night was a perfect opportunity for my girls to get all dressed up and for me to get dressed up so they could have date with their dad!

Something occurred to me during this time though. In the busyness of life I get too wrapped up in what is right in front of me and forget to create moments with my kids. It doesn’t have to be anything super complicated. But as parents we have to fight for the heart of kids. We have to let them know through our actions that they are the most important things to us. This was a great reminder for me especially for the season of life that I am in right now!

Here are 3 suggestions for you to fight for the heart!

Meet them on their turf – Sometimes home just has too many distractions, especially if you have multiple kids. So the best thing you can do is take them to a place they want to go. If you have teenagers this becomes increasingly easy! I’m sure they have several ideas. If you have younger kids you may have to get creative unless you want to spend the rest of your life at Chuck E Cheese! The idea is focused one on one time where you do what they want and have fun!

Make it Fun – I have a great mentor who has taught me a lot about this. Sometimes you can’t go anywhere. Sometimes it’s just about making the moments that you have count. You can make a game out of anything. You make your kids laugh a thousand different ways. Just make whatever you do fun with them. It doesn’t have to be structured or organized! Just go with it. They will remember those times forever!

Be Intentional – Every morning I take my kids to school. Now talk about a prime time to talk to them and love on them! Now don’t get me wrong. Sometimes my head is in another place and I am thinking about what I have to do that day. The point is that life is busy. So make sure to be intentional with the time that you do have with your kids. Make every second count. Because before you know it they are gone! Make your moments count. Be intentional with your kids so they will always know that they really matter!

What would you add to my list?

Taking a Break

7:09 AM

Things my wife taught me that changed my life!

8:07 AM

Today I celebrate 10 years of Marriage with my wife! I cannot believe that I am old enough to have done anything for 10 years. But the greatest part of my life is that i get to spend it with her. and that i have had 10 incredible years with her. So in honor of that I thought I would share a post I put up a few months ago talking about her and a little about our Journey!

I have almost been married for 10 years now!! Which is simply crazy to think about for me. But as I have walked through this journey I have noticed some things about marriage. From my own marriage and from watching others. And though I could go on and on and on about some of the negative things I have seen. And I could go on and on and on about some of the positive things I have seen. There is one very clear thing that I have been made aware of over the years. . . .

I am a lucky lucky man!

Over our time together she has lived her life in such a way that it has taught me a lot about life. Some of these things she has actually said to me. And some of these things have just been made evident by the way she has interacted with me and loved me even when it wasn’t easy!

Here are 10 life-changing things I have heard from her that made a profound impact on me!

“There is something about you worth loving!”
“I support you even when it hurts.”
“I love you for who you are not who I want you to be.”
“Your are wrong from time to time!”
“After God I need to be the most important thing in your life.”
“Hang out with your Kids! The rules don’t matter if my kids don’t know they matter to me!”
“No matter what happens in your life I will be by your side and we will face it together.”
“You can be better.”
“God is using you”
“Grow Up”

Now if you know my wife you know that she is not a woman of many words. She is more of an introvert. We often have a joke that if Jennifer gives you a compliment you should really take pride in it because she meant it!!

Those statements are not necessarily statements that have come out of her mouth to me over the years. They are statements that she has made to me by the way she loves me. By the way she interacts with me and by the way she interacts with out children. God knew He would give me someone that would love me in a way that it would change me.

Our spouses were not designed to be puppets on strings telling us what we want to hear and doing what we want or demand. The most trusted voice in my life is my WIFE! Because I know she wants what’s best for me and for our family. And that means she will love me when it hurts and she will tell me the HARD things!

I have learned from my wife. Not because she does and says exactly what I want her to do and I want to hear. But because she loves me enough to push me to be more and push me to be better.

Those things she has told me with her life have allowed me to grow at MY pace and know that I will be loved either way.

What has your Spouse taught you??

Monday Minute / Baby D

8:20 PM

Family First

8:00 AM

I like to think that in my life My Family always comes first. That no matter what happens when push come to shove my wife and my children come first! But there are times in life where I truly believe that what you say you believe and what you actually believe come face to face and you have to make a choice right then and right there to be who you say you are or to be someone different!

This just happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I was at a retreat for our students, Relevant Student Ministry, called Crave. It is one of my favorite retreats of the year and an event I look forward to all year long. The downside of leaving is that I have to leave my family for a few days. I have 4 kids. I know, I know my wife is incredible. And she is! My wife is the key to my success and my sanity. She always does great when I am away and is encouragement to me even despite being bogged down 24/7 with 4 kids under the age of 9!

And having 4 kids obviously leaves room for unexpected things to occur in our lives. It seems like every time I go somewhere one of the four finds a sickness to take on. My wife is always a trooper and never complains she just rolls with it.

But this particular weekend was different. I received a text from my wife that said my oldest daughter was showing some signs of Appendicitis! Now at first I didn’t think much of it. Especially since I was relatively positive she retrieved this information from web MD or Wikipedia! But then she called me a few hours later and said that Makayla was hurting so bad that she couldn’t hardly walk! She called the doctor and based on the symptoms they decided that she needed to bring Makayla in immediately!

A few hours later they made the determination that she was going to have to surgery and they sent her to Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital. And anyone who has kids knows that there is NO SUCH thing as minor surgery with your children!

In this moment I had an inward conflict. I knew I needed to be with my daughter! But I also knew I needed to be a Crave! The weekend is by no means dependant on me! But it is something we put on together. So there is a hole there if I leave!

This is the conversation that went on in my head!

Can Jennifer handle this? Yes!
Is anything that needs to happen dependant on me being there? No!
Is there anything I can accomplish for the doctors? No!
Even though I’m not needed do I need to go home? YES!!!

There was a moment for me where my perceived values collided with my reality! Was I necessarily “needed”? No I wasn’t! But my values often have to matter to me and they have to determine my actions even in when the circumstance is completely unexpected!

With the help some great people in my life I was able to make the 5 hour trip back Home to be with my daughter and here are the some of the reasons why!

- My Daughter needed to know I will ALWAYS be there for her when she needs me or just wants me!
- My presence brings comfort! I am the dad! Me being there allows my wife to be mommy and me to be the dad!
- My leadership is important in my family and Leadership has more to do with actions than words
- If family is first that has to be the case even when the situation is not ideal!
- I love my daughter more than words and this gave me the chance to show it.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t sit down and write these things down and then decide to go home! That wasn’t it. I just knew no matter what and no matter how many ways I can logically justify not going home that to be true to myself and to be true to who I say I am I had to GO HOME and be with my baby girl before she had surgery!

Bottom Line: Family Matters most even when the situation is more complicated than we want it to be!

Celebrating the Core Part 1

9:07 AM

A couple of weeks ago my wife’s Grandmother fell down and hurt herself. Nothing to crucial but she did have a few scratches on her face. Now for Jen and I that was no big deal. But for kids that can sometimes seem a lot worse than it really is! So Grandma was going to come up and see the kids the next day and we wanted to be sure to talk to the kids about it and let them know that Grandma was ok and that there was nothing to worry about. And unfortunately I have the kids that need to be reminded not to bring it up and ask about it. They would run up to her screaming “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE!!”

Now with Makayla, my oldest, asking her not to worry or get worked up about it is like asking water to not be wet. It just isn’t going to happen. And for some reason we momentarily forgot that basic truth about her personality. So here came the questions?

Is she ok?
Is she hurt?
How bad does it look?
Did she cry?
How big are the scratches?
Can she drive?
Should I call her?
When did it happen?
Will I get in trouble if I ask her about it?

I could go on and on. Those questions were just the first 30 seconds! Now don’t get me wrong I knew there would be questions. I wasn’t worried about that. But for some reason I assumed that I would have a few questions and then we would move on. That was a cute thought!

So about 20 minutes later at the dinner table Jennifer and I are trying to have a conversation about something that went on during our day! And Makayla just kept pounding me with the questions and interrupting over and over again. As most dads would I was starting to get annoyed. And something I have been learning over the past few weeks with my mentor came through and took over in that moment!

At the peak of my frustration I looked at my daughter ready to tell her enough. “Stop stressing out and stressing me out. Relax! Grandma is fine!!” But I didn’t! I tried a different approach. I looked at my daughter and brought her in and hugged her. I told her and that I love her heart for people and the people she loves. And I was so glad that God gave her a heart to be sensitive to people that were hurting. I took a minute and celebrated who she was rather than get angry at what she was doing. I honestly didn’t know where it came from.

As long as I live I will never ever forget the look on my daughters face. She lit up like a Christmas tree! She felt that little part of her being celebrated. And even though sometimes when that comes out and she worries it drives me crazy. I was able to celebrate who my daughter was and give her freedom in that moment to keep being that person!

The implications of that are never ending. That basic fact can be integrated into every part of my life. The way I interact with my wife, the way I parent, the way I lead. Learning not to celebrate people just for what they do but to celebrate why they do it. See I’m not sure if for leaders it is enough to just tell someone thanks for being a great group leader. I think if we truly want to unleash the potential of the people around us then we need to celebrate why they are a great group leader.

Something like this

“Thanks for being such a great volunteer and hanging out with kids every week. We don’t know what we would do without you. “

Vs.

“Thanks for you heart for students and your willingness to get dirty and love on students. It is great to see someone who has a passion to see young people connect with God! You fill a huge gap here with the things you do. But the thing that makes you special is your heart to see students be loved and accepted!”

Do you see the difference! One celebrates their presence! The other celebrates their heart and passion. One leads to great attendance. The other leads people to uncover the heart that God gave them! It helps them be fulfilled and lets them know God is using them and unlocking their passions so He can use them.

Stay Tuned tomorrow for 5 Benefits to celebrating peoples Core!

Monday Minute // Parent Cue

9:41 AM

Parents Your Child needs to know . . .

5:59 PM

Celebrate Differences

5:14 PM

The picture above really shows just how different my 3 children really are. As a father the older they get and the older I get the more I really enjoy how different my children truly are. My wife often becomes disgruntled because she can never get our 3 children to stay still long enough for her to be able to get pictures of all of them at once. You would be surprised how much you can actually tell from this picture about my kids.

Makayla: she is my oldest and she is most definitely my motherly type. She thinks she is her younger siblings older mom. She is very much so bossy and demanding. It drives her brother and sister absolutely crazy. I can tell that she will one day be a great leader and an even better parent. As you can tell she is putting her brother in a headlock trying to corral him long enough to stay still while simultaneously smiling in the camera. She is the ultimate multi tasker.

Marissa: she is my middle child. She is her own personality and has no problem with it being that way. She as you can tell she is a little stubborn and not happy that she is being made to be in a picture when she had something better to do. So she stands off to the side alone like can we please get this over with. Marissa has a laser focus unlike I have ever seen before. And when she is focused on something that’s all she thinks about.

Mason: this dude is just a little to much like me. Getting him to sit still is like trying to get the ocean to stop making waves. He loves all things ball. He is a huge goof ball. Wants to laugh and play all the time. He is more of my free spirit I just want to play with something and be left alone.

My point in all that is to say that all my children are remarkably different. I have learned to accept that fact that they are all going to have their own personalities and going to grow into completely different people. It is so awesome to see what kind of people that God is going to mold them into. It is awesome to see them develop personality traits that God will someday use to glorify Him. With 3 kids I want to celebrate what is different about them. I want them to be what God has made them to be and for them to grown into a person the will make a tremendous impact on the Kingdom.

Be careful of timelines

1:47 PM

Have you ever been sitting somewhere with one of your children and had something said or seen something on TV that you really wished they had not heard? Or had a friend say something in front of them that you really would have rather them not?? In some ways this violates your timeline. You have not chosen yet to discuss these things with your son or daughter. Later when they ask about it you are forced to answer a question or discuss a topic that you weren’t quite ready to discuss.

Several weeks ago I was brought face to face with this reality in a very serious way. Part of my story is that I got married when I was 17. My wife was 17 as well. We had our daughter when we had only been married about five months. I will let you do the math on that. This is not a story I have shared with my daughter yet. We have made no attempts to hide it in any way. We are very intentional about the fact that we are going to at some point have that conversation with our daughter, but we want to share with her OUR story in our way. This person made a sarcastic remark that painted a very negative picture that we do not want her to have. Luckily for this person I was not there.

Also very luckily it did not quite click with my daughter. So in many aspects no harm no foul.

As we as churches are really starting to discuss and talk about more difficult things from stage we really need to be aware our audience. In a culture where we are inundated with sex, pornography, and divorce which usually predicated on one of the first two issues they are subjects that need to be talked about and processed through. I am a firm believer that if we don’t talk about them publicly them we do not empower people to deal with them privately.

I also know that services are littered with children and students whose parents have not yet dealt with these issues. Or have not yet discussed these issues with their kids. I believe that we need to be careful how far we go on the stage from our weekend experiences. We need to be cautious of violating parent’s timelines for discussing heavy issues with their children. If we truly believe in partnering with parents don’t we owe it to them to be aware of their timeline.

Not to mention that hearing that information while knowing that your children are hearing it too puts a whole different spin on it. At that point you aren’t listening for your personal health but you are more uncomfortable and processing it through what you child is hearing.

Here are 3 Questions to process through when deciding if the topic is too much for a mixed audience.

Do we provide environments for all ages that this could be an issue for? – I think if you are talking about sex in the context of marriage and what is acceptable and what is not then it is best to provide something through middle school. If mom and dad have not yet had a conversation with their 6^th grade child then that topic will surely rush them to. It turns it into a forced issue instead of a parent driven healthy discussion. In my opinion if you provide an environment for the age groups where this topic could be an issue then you have done all you as a staff can do. From that point it is on the parents.

Is this an issue for a mixed audience? – This is a dangerous question, but I will tell you my point of view on it. Relational health in marriage is a topic for mixed audiences. Sex in marriage maybe not. Now I could be off about this and totally be in family pastor mode and being overprotective. But I really think that marriage series about relational health are great. Marriage series about sex are bound to violate timelines even when handled with the utmost care.

Have I discussed these issues with my Child? – for me this is a good and bad question, but I would say for certain if you have not discussed this with your child then you should NOT discuss it from stage in a mixed audience. For the most part leaders in the church should be leading the charge on having real and authentic conversations with our children. If we have not gone there then chances are there are going to be a lot of parents that have not either.

Honestly I have really struggled through this post. I would love some feedback and any thoughts that you might want to offer. This is still fresh for me so I could be way off base.

Would you take away or add anything to my questions??

Monday Minute // Parent Week

12:10 PM

Parent Week // You

10:41 AM

Parent Week // Pause

7:52 AM

So as I posted Monday that in honor of our new arrival at the Millard (for more on that go HERE) home I am doing a blog series called Parent week. I am dedicating this entire week to a few things that I have learned in my time as a parent.

Ok so I have to admit, I am a horrible over-reacter when it comes to my kids. I am in general an emotional person. So at times when my kids do something wrong I can tend to get way to angry or upset very quickly.

Something I had to learn, and I am still learning, is that my original reaction is not generally the best one. My feeling is usually very right. The reason I am angry or upset is usually valid. But the way in which I deal with it is not. So I have to take a pause before I react to any given situation with my children. Me understanding this principle literally changed my relationship with all my children, but especially the 2 oldest. It makes situations much calmer which keeps them from feeling anxious.

Here are 4 reasons to take a pause.

It encourages actual change - I shutter at the thought that my children would begin to manage behavior because of my reactions to them in serious situations or the not so serious ones. Giving my children an opportunity to talk to me and dialogue about what happened gives me the opportunity to really HELP them see what they did wrong. This leads to life change because they understand! At their core they want to be better.

It encourages the truth – I have learned in my own life and in watching my kids, that if you are consistently overreacting to issues they tend to want to avoid it. So it can breed lying and hiding things. As a parent the better you react the safer and more comfortable they will be to share mistakes and bad news. The last thing any of us want is the our kids to feel like they cannot talk to us.

It encourages dialogue – Monologue in parenting can be a dangerous thing. When you take a minute and process through what your next move should be it helps you TALK them through it rather than lecture them! Don’t get me wrong sometimes a good lecture is needed, but overall a conversation and dialogue helps them understand.

It encourages love – the most important thing every kid needs to know is that they have parents that love them. No matter what they do no matter what they say they are our children and we love them. Taking a minute always reminds me to reaffirm my children of how much I love them and how much they mean to me.

Parent Week // Build a Frame

12:59 PM

So as I posted yesterday that in honor of our new arrival at the Millard (for more on that go HERE) home I am doing a blog series called Parent week. I am dedicating this entire week to a few things that I have learned in my time as a parent.

The first thought I want to share is Build a Frame!!

A few weeks ago my oldest daughter came to me and asked if she could eat dinner in the living room so she could watch some movie she had been waiting for. I told her no that we eat as a family. Don’t worry I’m not completely heartless, we have a DVR so I recorded it for her to watch later. What I want to point out though is why I did not let her eat in front of the TV. It is not because I find there to be something wrong with TV during dinner. In all honesty I like it too, but a long time ago my wife and I decided that the few nights a week that we can eat together as a family that we would. We want our kids to value family time like we do.

A long time ago my wife and I sat down a talked about the things we want our kids to value and believe in. So along the way we have established certain guidelines put rules in place to affirm and reinforce those core things we want our kids to value.

So the reason I would not let my daughter eat in front of the TV was because the request did not fit inside our frame. The “frame” we built made that decision very easy. Having a frame and deciding where you want to end up and deciding from an early age what boundaries we want to have in place will make decisions and punishment take a much easier turn. When you know where you are going and you have an end in mind it is so much easier to have an awareness of when we are getting off track. The goal makes the path far more defined.

Building a frame gives a little definition to the picture and puts boundaries in place that will help you make easier determination on what you do and do not do to reinforce those values. For example if you value honesty you and punish your children for being honest it will not reinforce that value.

Here are 3 questions to ask when building a frame

What do want them to value?

What will you put in place to reinforce those values?

What do you need to stop doing that does not reinforce those values?

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